To test and protect

I’ve been experiencing blogger’s block. The past week has had more downs than ups but doesn’t need to be relived, and sometimes it is just enough to say, “it’s a lot of life.”

But yesterday I was reminded of a very random conversation the fiancée (then the boyfriend) and I had fairly early on in our relationship. Perhaps I was more cognizant of this when we first starting dating, but I think it’s only natural for new couples to “test” each other. It’s one way of figuring stuff out: how the other person really feels; how invested s/he is in this relationship; how they handle the unexpected, or your parents…And while I can admit that some of these “tests” are absolutely ridiculous, I’m happy to report that retrospectively I find them amusing.

A while back, I distinctly remember asking Hal at what point would he risk his own safety to protect mine. If it was a loaded question, that was not my intention. I merely wanted to ascertain whether or not he thought his instincts would kick in if we found ourselves in a perilous situation, and if he would take on the protector role.

He gave me this quizzical look, like ‘what’s she really fishing for?’, and then thoughtfully responded, “I don’t know.”

I’m not sure what I was expecting him to say but that just didn’t seem to be it so I painted him a picture in which the scenario was perhaps even more random than the question.

Jenn: Well, let’s say it’s late at night and we’re sleeping and suddenly there’s an earthquake. The house is violently shaking and a large piece of furniture begins to fall onto the bed. Would you cover me with your body in hopes of blocking the furniture from falling on me?

Hal looked confused and slightly amused, but I knew he was really thinking WTF? Admittedly, there were certainly flaws within the scenario I’d presented which may have detracted from getting an honest response. Living in NY, we experience very few earthquakes. And while our bedroom has pieces of furniture in it, I don’t think any of them stand tall enough to topple over onto our bed. But he should get the point, right? Not the man who focuses primarily on the rational and doesn’t always see the meaning beyond the inaccuracies of the scenario.

So I tried again, this time presenting a scene in a bar where some large, unsavory fellow won’t leave me alone despite my adamant objections to his tenacious attention. Sounds good, right? Hal shrugged and said (somewhat unconvincingly), “I guess I would come to your defense”.

At this point, I don’t know why I persisted. It’s not like “ready and willing to take a bullet” is on the list of criteria I’m looking for in a partner, unless he works for the secret service. I don’t lead an action-packed life with car chases, spontaneous bar fights, or flying bullets. In essence, I don’t need a protector. But I wanted to hear more than ambiguity. I think I wanted to know that he cared enough to keep me out of harm’s way, not necessarily at the expense of his own peril, because somehow that signified he really really cared about me. Sensing my frustration (and perhaps the test), Hal relented and told me with more gusto that he would stand between me and the large, unsavory man. I took it to mean he cared (and made a mental note to be grateful we don’t get earthquakes in NY that often).

Fast forward more than two years later and it’s Hal’s turn to randomly share his thoughts on what he’d do to someone if they ever hurt me. Suffice it to say, he definitely cares about me.