Married (Happily) with Issues...And?

Every once in a while, I read something that hits a hot button (in a thought-provoking way, not aggressive provocation) and I find myself frantically typing all the thoughts and observations I have on my relationship with Hal as if this is the first treatise ever to be written on the subject. That’s hardly the case.

There is so much one could say about relationships, and there is so much that has been said about them. Maybe too much. Perhaps we’re overloaded with conceptual ideas of how relationships should be that we begin to seek out remedies for issues that don’t exist. We have ‘experts’ giving us steps for creating the “perfect” syncopation between partners. But they don’t know you or me or us. And, maybe people are not so different from each other, but the individual experience over the course of lifetime cannot be summed up in a text book or guided through a set of rules.

A recent article in the NY Times, Married (Happily) with Issues, as shared with me by a good friend is interesting to say the least, and I’m honestly not sure how I feel about it. It’s a snapshot of a couple attempting to fix their marriage, or as they put it, make it better. What began as a marriage renovation evolved into a marriage revelation, as questions about automony, monogamy and commitment abounded. Initially, everything that is ‘broken’ about this marriage is seemingly implicit, tucked under rugs or projected through passive-aggressive behavior, until they voluntarily break the dam, and elicit the help of marriage self-help books, therapists and relationship seminars. They run the gauntlet of relationship counseling, and it’s exhausting even for the reader to witness. Sure, there are candid observations, raw insights shared and thought provoking anecdotes, but it really needs to be read through the looking glass, as an outsider peering into the life of this couple that is in the fishbowl. Otherwise, you begin to wonder if their's is the inevitable condition of the 21st century marriage. That when you peel away the layers of a relationship, you discover there's no such thing as a good marriage.

It’s a lengthy piece that you can relate to, object to or just stop reading if your eyes get tired. It seems honest and chockfull of revelations, that I’m sure a book deal helped secure to some extent (I’m so jaded at times). But it’s ultimately fodder for thought, and I guess someone else’s journey through misery is always fascinating on some level. As my friend said, it would be interesting to read this again years later to see if personal perception has altered at all. However, if you’re in a happy relationship right now (whatever that means to you without judgment), this article should encourage you to relish in it for the moment rather than scrutinize it.

One of the things I did find fascinating in this article was the verbiage used in all these relationship books and studies. They sound like such hyperbole and make the subject very melodramatic.

“Marital ghetto”. “Intimate Terrorism”. “Vindication of love”.

They make love and relationships sound scary and dangerous. It all seems like a mind game at times constructed by the psychotherapy community. We’re telling you love is scary and dangerous so you need to talk to us to get over how scary and dangerous it is. Now I’m just babbling unconstructively.

Anyway, read the article here. I recommend curling up somewhere comfortable with a large cup of coffee or your choice of liquid energy.